However, the uncomfortable get-togethers have begun. So tonight I saw the guy I have a thing for and I pretended that I was not into him. I saw the last guy I fell in love with and his girlfriend. I pretend that I let it go but whenever I see him I think of all that could have been if we were together. The only good thing about it is that I know he is still my friend and was not weird after I confessed my love for him. The words “I’m sorry but it’s not reciprocated” really suck!
Back to current future baby daddy who may be a closet case or not know he’s gay yet. I caught him looking at me a couple of times but I am so afraid. I need a kiss, I need someone I don’t have to sneak around with and can love without having to hide my pleasure when in their presence. The fact that he makes me smile when he is near and his scent makes me want to hold on to him and kiss him gently does not make me bad does it?
As the song by The Dream and Rihanna goes “We out here livin’ a lie, out here livin’ a lie, livin’ a lie.” So sad I have to pretend so much just to have some sort of “normal” life. It makes me so sad to feel alone like this so often just because some stupid people won’t understand. I need to stop thinking about all this stuff it is really bringing me down.
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