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Love lost or gained?

So I have not written very much over the past 2 weeks. I have been ill and partly lazy. Well I have been thinking about something, well someone for a while. I have just been trying to process my life and my feelings over the past few days. I know soul searching can be so passe but I think I may be onto something and as these things often involve there is love or the possibility of such.

Image from the film "Shelter" 

So there is this guy that I started having feelings for about a year ago. Oh no you are saying, this is another one of those sad fag love stories. Anyway, so this guy is the type that girls swoon over and I said to myself that I would not fall into the trap and just ignore him. He had a girlfriend back home and had crucifix in his room so I knew he was off limits. But then I realised over a few months that he actually was an insightful, kind, caring, sweet guy and then my heart started beating faster around him.

We we in a course together and so we talked about stuff sometimes. I liked just talking to him sometimes because he made me feel better when I was really stressed out. He would just smile and say everything will be alright, "don't worry you'll get through". I looked forward to just seeing him and looking into his big brown eyes.

After some time I got him one time and we sat and talked about life. I realised he never talked about his girlfriend and even when I asked he didn't really have very much to say and didn't seem to care whether things with her went north or south. So I took a chance and asked to take his picture. I got up close to him and really tried to get a sense of him.

I looked him in the eye and I told him he had strong features. I began to touch his face as I pointed out his beautiful eyes, his cute nose, high cheek bones, soft full lips and strong jaw. I asked him if he was uncomfortable and he said no. At that moment in my nervousness I began to mutter some artistic bullshit about not seeing just people but really seeing pieces that make up the whole person. I struggled in the back of my mind as to whether I should kiss him or not. But I choked.

I still think about that moment and realise that he may have had feelings for me too. Some time later we were talking and he said that he thought I was really smart and I complimented him on his deep hard hitting questions in class. I said to myself, fuck! I messed up...I missed my chance with a Prince.

But rationalizing things now I say to myself that he probably was confused about some things and me kissing him may have pushed him on the edge. I remember asking him what his greatest fear was. He replied saying, "letting everyone down and being a disappointment." That really spoke to me because I have a similar fear after being under immense pressure and mounting expectations over the years. So because I cared about him so much I did not throw his world out of wack by kissing him tenderly.

I moved on somewhat to continue my studies, we speak on the telephone every now and then but I think I ought to do something next time I see him. I think he and his long distance girlfriend may have ended their partnership and my boy may be mine yet. I suppose the worse thing that could happen is that he could just say he's not gay. If I don't do anything I may forever wonder what if. Well whatever I do I hope I can at least just be honest and true to myself. At least I think he likes the photos I did of him, he has them displayed online.

I really wish I could hold his hand and pull him close to me and just...be.

LIBs

Review - Shelter

Well I just finished watching "Shelter" a really great film about growing up and making decisions for oneself and taking charge of your life path.

                 

Synopsis

Forced to give up his dreams of art school in order to take care of his family, Zach (Trevor Wright) has become accustomed to a life where he neglects his own needs in favor of taking care of his older sister, Jeanne (Tina Holmes) and his nephew, Cody. When his best friend’s older brother, Shaun (Brad Rowe), returns home to cure a case of writer’s block, Shaun and Zach develop a friendship that develops into a true, intimate relationship. Shaun presses Zach to take control of his life, and to take ownership of his artwork. He also develops a strong bond with Cody, and Zach happily notices the positive effect Shaun’s attention has on him. As time progresses, however, a host of new issues come up. Zach struggles with his identity, his family, and friends, while trying to understand the new emotions Shaun has brought into his life. When the cat is let out of the bag, Jeanne threatens to take Cody away. Wanting nothing but the best for him, Zach is forced to decide between his pattern of always putting others’ desires first or fighting for what is really most important and appropriate for both his and Cody’s future.

“With an outstanding script expertly brought to life through stellar performances and striking cinematography, Shelter is a gorgeous, captivating film that is, at its heart, a story about family."

- Kirsten Schaffer, OUTFEST.

Watch the Trailer

I really identified with the main character Zach who is torn between his family and moving ahead with his life. Although I am living away from home I still feel the pressure to conform and deny myself what I truly need in my life. I feel a but sad at this point because I have not done very much of what I really want to do with my life. I live hundreds of miles away across the ocean and I still feel the need to be the perfect son and brother.

I think this film really gives a good, honest examination of a situations that many young people face even if it is set in southern California. But I live in the Caribbean which ought to be some paradise yet it is far from it. The performances of the actors were sincere and not overly dramatic. Also, the love affair between the main characters seemed organic and not forced or contrived or overly sexual as many GLBT films tend to be at times. And not to give away the ending I am most pleased that it did not end in tragedy.

The only downside to this film for me is that despite the fact that it gave me a hopeful vibe it made me feel very isolated and alone all at the same time. I hope I can find someone to love me unconditionally despite my flaws and not just because of sex. 

So all in all I think this was a good film that explores issues ranging from coming out to socioeconomic status and even parenting skills. I give this film 5 out of 5 (5/5) Stars!!!

Watch "Shelter" Now!

LIBs

Change

I wanted to wait a few days before I posted about Barack Obama's resounding victory at the polls in the US to gain some perspective for myself instead of posting an emotional self serving monologue. So I will just say these few words.

                    

This week was indeed one for the history books filled with triumphs and promises of change along with the denial of rights. The first black American President yet the most liberal of all US states bans gay marriage.

The world is changing yet one thing seems to stay as static as the necessity of cyclic change. However, the thing I think we ought to take away from it all is that despite what people may believe or accept that change can indeed come. If one of the most judgemental, label driven, institutionally racist nations can elect Obama, a biracial citizen, then change can come in even the most intolerant of places.

I firmly believe that as a global leader the US can affect change by example. As a child I saw them as a shining star now as an adult I began to see them as a form of pestilence that afflicted the earth. Now at this point I will give the USA a second chance to clean up its act and return to its former glory. If they do not purge their ill ways I believe they will take the entire world down with them. So for this reason I am hoping that Mr. Barack H. Obama can turn things around.

I feel that Mr. Obama will emerge as one of the greatest Presidents of all time. He has all the tools and assets as well as the perspective to become a political force unlike we've seen in our generation.

So what this whole thing means to me is that out of adversity ascends greatness and the path to such greatness lives within us all. If we can strip away all the fluff that society uses to infringe upon our humanity then our true greatness can indeed echo throughout eternity. Now in the words of Barack H. Obama, now one of the great leaders of the world. YES WE CAN!

Believe It! Achieve It! Live It!

LIBs

I Declare War Against Fatness

I have a problem. I am getting fat and I am eating fried plantain chips right at this moment. I have to get off my ass and get to working this fat pad that is developing across my tummy. I keep telling myself that after this exam I will control my eating and exercise. I need someone to be on my back I need that someone to be me.

This has brought me to the point of trying to understand why I make poor food choices and why I feel the need to fill a void with comfort food as they call them.

Lately, I have found myself very disenchanted by school and I have no personal life to redirect my frustrations. So I have been sublimating my feelings of emptiness into the making and consumption of foods such as sweets and baked goods. I must say that carbohydrates really are the devil. The glucose you get from them in short periods can make you feel sooooo good inside until it is converted to fat and your ass gets larger and large like mine has become.

I have been unable to fit into articles of clothing that I wear everyday. I am not a big guy so extra weight shows in my face and in my hips within a few weeks. The fact that I am constantly under stress and in need of comfort that I cannot get from other sources I turn to food. Every time I try to restrict my intake I have a bad week that turns me into a neurotic melodramatic person riddled with guilt after the consumption of something that comes with a side of french fries. Then things are all downhill from there.

So I would like to put a stop to this all before the dreaded holiday season of endless temptation and guilt begins and I end up in denial like this kitty. (Just as soon as I finish this last bag of chips. Damn You Exams!!!)

              

LIBs

Another Early Morning Post

It is almost 1am and I am sitting around naked after a long day of studying. I really wish that I could focus a bit more on just being alive and just existing. I wanted to come up with something good to post here but my life is a bit dull.

I sit in the dark alone sometimes to think and sometimes I am not sure if I want to know my own thoughts. I make some strange associations and come up with some pretty strange thoughts at times but I suppose that is all part of being a little eccentric.

Maybe not as eccentric as my dearly loved Icelandic diva Bjork but eccentric nonetheless.

                        

LIBs

Young Adulthood...a 20 something's thoughts

Another morning, another day to ponder why I chose my path. Don't you hate it when as soon as you get to sleep the morning just sneaks up on you yet again. I really wish I could sleep in more often than just 1 day a week. I really wish I could just not go in today but I already used a sick day this week. I really don't like having responsibilities and having to do things I don't really want to do but do them anyway because they have done. Having bills sucks! lol

Oh well at least I can appreciate a wine spritzer from time to time to colour my world. But when you have no love life and your Friday nights consist of...gosh I don't know what I do on Friday nights!

Guys I need an intervention! Unfortunately this is not Bravo or MTV or TLC or whatever so a team of tv experts with life coaches and fashion consults aren't going to to spring out from behind the sofa to save my life. I have to do it on my own and its hard. They definitely did not tell me it would take this long and I would be this lonely all the time...whoever did not deliver my memo on that should be fired!

I am not convinced that the sacrifices (which only become greater as you advance) one has to make in order to become the professional the world always told you was best are worth it. In closing, since I must garner some sort of nutrition now before I head to the hell hole, being an adult sucks ass face.

 

LIBs