Love lost or gained?

So I have not written very much over the past 2 weeks. I have been ill and partly lazy. Well I have been thinking about something, well someone for a while. I have just been trying to process my life and my feelings over the past few days. I know soul searching can be so passe but I think I may be onto something and as these things often involve there is love or the possibility of such.

Image from the film "Shelter" 

So there is this guy that I started having feelings for about a year ago. Oh no you are saying, this is another one of those sad fag love stories. Anyway, so this guy is the type that girls swoon over and I said to myself that I would not fall into the trap and just ignore him. He had a girlfriend back home and had crucifix in his room so I knew he was off limits. But then I realised over a few months that he actually was an insightful, kind, caring, sweet guy and then my heart started beating faster around him.

We we in a course together and so we talked about stuff sometimes. I liked just talking to him sometimes because he made me feel better when I was really stressed out. He would just smile and say everything will be alright, "don't worry you'll get through". I looked forward to just seeing him and looking into his big brown eyes.

After some time I got him one time and we sat and talked about life. I realised he never talked about his girlfriend and even when I asked he didn't really have very much to say and didn't seem to care whether things with her went north or south. So I took a chance and asked to take his picture. I got up close to him and really tried to get a sense of him.

I looked him in the eye and I told him he had strong features. I began to touch his face as I pointed out his beautiful eyes, his cute nose, high cheek bones, soft full lips and strong jaw. I asked him if he was uncomfortable and he said no. At that moment in my nervousness I began to mutter some artistic bullshit about not seeing just people but really seeing pieces that make up the whole person. I struggled in the back of my mind as to whether I should kiss him or not. But I choked.

I still think about that moment and realise that he may have had feelings for me too. Some time later we were talking and he said that he thought I was really smart and I complimented him on his deep hard hitting questions in class. I said to myself, fuck! I messed up...I missed my chance with a Prince.

But rationalizing things now I say to myself that he probably was confused about some things and me kissing him may have pushed him on the edge. I remember asking him what his greatest fear was. He replied saying, "letting everyone down and being a disappointment." That really spoke to me because I have a similar fear after being under immense pressure and mounting expectations over the years. So because I cared about him so much I did not throw his world out of wack by kissing him tenderly.

I moved on somewhat to continue my studies, we speak on the telephone every now and then but I think I ought to do something next time I see him. I think he and his long distance girlfriend may have ended their partnership and my boy may be mine yet. I suppose the worse thing that could happen is that he could just say he's not gay. If I don't do anything I may forever wonder what if. Well whatever I do I hope I can at least just be honest and true to myself. At least I think he likes the photos I did of him, he has them displayed online.

I really wish I could hold his hand and pull him close to me and just...be.

LIBs