Another Early Morning Post

It is almost 1am and I am sitting around naked after a long day of studying. I really wish that I could focus a bit more on just being alive and just existing. I wanted to come up with something good to post here but my life is a bit dull.

I sit in the dark alone sometimes to think and sometimes I am not sure if I want to know my own thoughts. I make some strange associations and come up with some pretty strange thoughts at times but I suppose that is all part of being a little eccentric.

Maybe not as eccentric as my dearly loved Icelandic diva Bjork but eccentric nonetheless.

                        

LIBs

Young Adulthood...a 20 something's thoughts

Another morning, another day to ponder why I chose my path. Don't you hate it when as soon as you get to sleep the morning just sneaks up on you yet again. I really wish I could sleep in more often than just 1 day a week. I really wish I could just not go in today but I already used a sick day this week. I really don't like having responsibilities and having to do things I don't really want to do but do them anyway because they have done. Having bills sucks! lol

Oh well at least I can appreciate a wine spritzer from time to time to colour my world. But when you have no love life and your Friday nights consist of...gosh I don't know what I do on Friday nights!

Guys I need an intervention! Unfortunately this is not Bravo or MTV or TLC or whatever so a team of tv experts with life coaches and fashion consults aren't going to to spring out from behind the sofa to save my life. I have to do it on my own and its hard. They definitely did not tell me it would take this long and I would be this lonely all the time...whoever did not deliver my memo on that should be fired!

I am not convinced that the sacrifices (which only become greater as you advance) one has to make in order to become the professional the world always told you was best are worth it. In closing, since I must garner some sort of nutrition now before I head to the hell hole, being an adult sucks ass face.

 

LIBs

Moving Ahead...one coke at a time

Well I guess I am supposed to make some smart comment on my life as a lonely perpetual student in some far flung corner of the world where I cannot be myself. But I think I may need to tone down my fear induced anger in order to grow and change as a person.

I told myself that I would write a sincere blog about my true thoughts and I have been writing totally contrived diatribes about myself living in a world which I hold such contempt for. So I think I will be a but more honest and maybe I can use this blog as a means of venting my frustration and maybe be a catalyst for change.

I almost completely certain that this blog is being read by approximately 0 people which should probably make it easy to do. But I have a deep seated fear of being identified but I mean how egotistical of me to even imagine that someone would waste their time to learn the identity and dwelling place of a blogger who operates a blog which has 0 readers.

So today, although I felt like total crap for the majority of the day, it all improved with a bottle of coke and some foul tasting imitation chocolate thingy well mostly the Coca Cola. 

Who knew that a carbonated beverage could improve your quality of life while slowly killing you inside. I think this is one of the great ironies of life but I will pretend that it is the best damn thing since psychoactive drugs! Oh wait it is!!!

LIBs

Drifter

Floating along down the bends of life

Not quite sure the purpose or the method

Drifting through time and the illusions of life

Threading water in an ocean of hurt, a sea of expectation

 

Waiting for a moment of clarity to come along

A piece of driftwood, a shred of dignity, a sight of hope

A long lost love, a friend, intimacy, truth, peace

Trying not to go under, struggling in fear

 

Then I see it in the distance, the thing I need most to survive

But yet it eludes me, why?

Currents so strong, so fierce, unwavering, yet I stand defiant

I struggle and grab hold and finally find rest for a mere moment, as it all falls apart

 

I’d like to tell myself it served its purpose well

Even if just for a few fleeting moments of rest

Saved momentarily by one as battered

But it is only a lie, a means to lessen the blow of the loss of my sunken ship

 

Constant reminders of a complicated past masquerading as hope for the future.

Been A Long Time...

It has been a long time and I am not quite sure if I was tired of life or just swamped by work but I have not blogged in quite a while. I am have been experiencing some depression and have been trying to take steps to address this issue with minimal success. I fall in love too easily and give my heart and my body to those who do not love me and ignore those who do. I am not quite sure why I seem to push people away so easily and embrace those who want me the least. However this is my existence and I hope I can improve.

Why is it so difficult to get what you truly need and not just what you want. I think I may just have to go for it head on without caring what anyone thinks. I recently told a guy that was in my life very briefly that I liked him on the advice of a friend and it turned out the feelings were not reciprocated yet again. He is nice to me but the truth is I will never see him again as he goes back to where he lives. Such is the life of those that live in paradise. The young handsome knight you wish to come and rescue you from a life of loneliness and resentment always returns to his real life and forgets all about you. Should I even try?

The Return of LIBs

Good Morning World! I have not been able to make any new posts because I am too caught up studying my tail off for exams that seem to mean nothing to me. But being up for 20 hours a day probably means that I do care about it or that I am forced to care out of guilt or something of the sort.

I have been trawling the internet looking for new people to meet but I have not been successful. Apparently all the good looking intelligent people have left the planet! Send Help!

Where have all the good men gone? I am one of them but it seems like we are in sort supply very short supply. I am trying to be honest with myself about who I am but it seems everyone else is just going through the motions and hoping to just go through life unchanged. It's a journey it is gonna be good it is gonna be bad it's gonna make you sick most of the time. But it is important for us to acknowledge who we are in order to actually be happy. I am still working on it and hope you are too.

LIBs

Coming Out...

Well today turned out to be pretty decent. I came out to a friend today...I did not intend to do so but it just happened and it was very positive. In fact she was more nervous than I was! lol But I found out that her little sister is gay and happy in a relationship. I was like wow! I had no idea about it. Happiness is really something that does not just happen over night you have to work on it and improve each day.

So I have finally taken steps to secure my happiness by being honest for a change. I know not everyone will be as supportive but I have 1 more friend that I know is really a friend!

Sexy Talk

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LIB LIfe

I had an interesting day yesterday...I found out that a friend of mine is getting married this summer, theater people really are bitches and that I am great boyfriend material. I have been experiencing some emotional instability lately. Emotional instability in the exhausted, lonely, need a vacation way not in the psychotic way.

I was talking to a friend and I noticed something on this shirt that I could not stop starting at. It looked like cum on his shirt. Yes a string of cum on his shirt. I did not know whether or not to ask him about it. I thought in my head that I could have helped him out if he needed to get off. But I decided against it although I could not stop staring at his lips.

I have been quite horny and have been thinking about another guy I have been fantasizing about from the first day I met him 5 months ago. I know he is unavailable and probably not even sexually interested in men. His eyes are just so magnetic and I can't stop thinking about him! It is ridiculous! I think he is a closeted devout Catholic boy that is waiting for me to make a move on him. I am so afraid that he will not be receptive to my advances. I was close to kissing him once when we were alone and I was touching his face telling him how nice his features were but I chickened out. DAMN It! I should have done it but oh well.

LIBs

Staying Sane on Valentines Day

So it is that time of the year again...Valentines Day. I have to say that I've never actually had a particularly Happy Vday and this year is no different. I am sure my mom will be my Valentine again as she says she will always be. She really does not understand what it feels like to be marginalized and made to feel less of a person because of an attribute you happen to posses. I suppose it is too much for her to want to deal with emotionally since she has so many other things to handle.

I am still waiting for the prince of my heart to come along and make himself known. I suppose if I disappear for today I could not been seen alone but it won't change the fact that I am alone. I really do try to amuse myself and try to fulfill my needs. I really wonder if one person in particular even has a clue that I find him incredibly attractive, intelligent and insightful. Everytime I look at him I see so many things but unfortunately he is not mine to have. I try to make sense of all this emotional turmoil and still try to be prudent in my actions. But I really feel that I am missing out on love.

So this Valentine's Day I would like to say to everyone out there who is weary, afraid, alone or misunderstood that life is worth living and no matter how many times your heart has been ripped to shreds you are not alone. I stand in solidarity with the lonely, the mistreated, the alienated and myself because loving yourself first and each other is the way to bring peace to this world. I will try to keep blogging not because I have an ego or a big mouth but because I want to help make a impact out there. I hope I can reach some people in less enlightened areas such as mine to let them know they are not alone and we can both work things out together.

To end on a lighter note (I think) Here is Kanye West's new video for Flashing Lights...I suppose love really can hurt.

LIBs

A few words...

I have been thinking a lot about my current state of affairs and asking. Is this all worth it? All the constant pressure and emotional turmoil just to conform to the ways of a society so corrupt at its core. I pretend to be reserved, well behaved and uninterested to protect myself from the unknown. I ask if they would still respect me, would they think me a different person or would they even care at all?

I am back

Okay after having some time to think I have come back to this blog. My intentions may have been too ambitious with this blog but I hope that my message can meet the heart of some lonely soul out there be it in St. Kitts or Siberian Russia. I want to give more of myself in this blog but I will continue to show restraint and tact as I maneuver a life a little less ordinary and little more complex.

Here is a poem I just wroteI know...I remember.

In another place, in another time
In another reality that perhaps could come to be
Until that day, hour, or solitary moment we can only dream
Dream of knowing and feeling and making it...at last
May it come, may it go, may it never come to be
You know, I know and we always will remember

Back to the Grind

Well I just got back home from a great run with a friend. I am trying to maintain good healthy exercise habits. Gotta look good for the future baby daddies out there! As Ms. Fergie says working on mah fitness!

I am back at school and ready to work hard this semester and I sure do have my work cut out for me. I have not given up on blogging as this island boy will continue to speak!

Holla!

To K...

The way forward this new year...

So many choices and decisions to be made. I wonder if I will make the right choices and be happy or make the right choices and be unhappy. I was out with some friends and they were talking about gay men. One said if she saw me kissing another guy then she "would not know me" (translation our friendship is over). The other said whatever I choose would be fine. Now I am home and I am thinking. Thinking how lonely I really I feel in the world. Thinking how much I need someone in my life to help make things better.

I think of all the guys I have liked but never approached. The ones I had a feeling about but never quite got the chance or nerve to approach. I look back and think how much I would have loved to be with them. You all know the guy that you always secretly desired. The guy that you would gladly get with if you had the chance. The ones you may have known all your life but could never quite get close enough. The guy you dreamed about sharing a life with while you looked onas he was with another. I can say this all too well...a thought of him brings chills of longing through your body. Then you realize it is just a fantasy and you're all alone and he is with someone else. I hate living this lie.

When you fall in love with your best friend and find the courage to tell him and his friendship fades away. The pain you endure day by day but keep bottled up inside as the love that you wanted oh so bad never comes your way. The anger, self hatred leads to the destruction of your self confidence and heart ache consumes you. Everyone says how great you are but you hate yourself more each day. I need release I need to be freed from this thing that haunts me and prevents from moving on with my life. How could the words I love you cause such hurt. I'd take them back if it could make things right but I can't. All I could ever want is for him to say that he loves me too but I know that will never happen. I can't take the things I said back but I would at least like us to speak again. It's been about 5 years since we last spoke FUCK I still love you!

All those letters I wrote to you and all the time we spent together...I miss it I miss our long talks on the phone, our walks and everything! My first love you'll always be...

Jingle Bells!

I am listening to Ella Fitzgerald so it’s Christmas and what a swinging Christmas it will be. I am feeling pretty good and in the spirit so much that I bought decorations and going to get it going.

However, the uncomfortable get-togethers have begun. So tonight I saw the guy I have a thing for and I pretended that I was not into him. I saw the last guy I fell in love with and his girlfriend. I pretend that I let it go but whenever I see him I think of all that could have been if we were together. The only good thing about it is that I know he is still my friend and was not weird after I confessed my love for him. The words “I’m sorry but it’s not reciprocated” really suck!

Back to current future baby daddy who may be a closet case or not know he’s gay yet. I caught him looking at me a couple of times but I am so afraid. I need a kiss, I need someone I don’t have to sneak around with and can love without having to hide my pleasure when in their presence. The fact that he makes me smile when he is near and his scent makes me want to hold on to him and kiss him gently does not make me bad does it?

As the song by The Dream and Rihanna goes “We out here livin’ a lie, out here livin’ a lie, livin’ a lie.” So sad I have to pretend so much just to have some sort of “normal” life. It makes me so sad to feel alone like this so often just because some stupid people won’t understand. I need to stop thinking about all this stuff it is really bringing me down.

Good Night...Uh Morning

Yet another night early morning sitting here trying to read and I can’t concentrate. The birds began their morning chirp at 3:45 am this morning now I won’t be able to fall asleep for a while. I mean these birds are making more noise than they make during the day! No matter how much caffeine and candy I eat I can’t focus. In exactly one week I will be faced with a 120 question paper to complete. I probably should be studying more but I am pretending that it does not exist. I suppose I am reading and picking up stuff but I feel guilty for not spending each and every waking hour devoted to my books.

I am listening to Amy Winehouse’s Frank album. She is such an amazing talent but she is wasting away in a whirl wind of drugs, alcohol and big hair. I hope she makes more albums soon because at the rate she is going she won’t make it through the next decade. My love for the Wino runs deep but come on Amy eat something already! Jesus! Eat something popsicles are not real food.

Amy Winehouse needs an intervention

I am becoming increasingly anxious and a bit down for the time being. I really wish I could have an uncomplicated relationship…fingers crossed. I can’t afford to continue obsessing over men who will never return the love. No matter how I imagine being with them these future baby daddies will never come by way. I guess that’s why they are called future baby daddies…because that future will never be realized.

introduction

This is going to be a very interesting personal journey that I am going to embark upon. I have been repressed for many years and my true self has been kicking and screaming inside trying to be heard. But I’ve just always said everything that was the right thing to say and done all the right things to do. So this is the first step in my journey so bare with me on this. I’ve blogged in the past but have always censored myself in fear of being found out.

Anyways here it goes…

I am one of the most interesting people you will ever meet and trust me I am not just saying that. I am a writer, poet, singer, musician, actor, former model, photographer, designer, cook, current academic and former band geek and I just want to be loved! I happen to be an early 20 something closeted gay man who also happens to be from the Caribbean. Unique and drowning in a world of fake smiles, even faker friends and a steady supply of self-directed self-conscious, self-loathing criticism. I’ve secretly gone to therapy and apparently I am not crazy just experiencing feelings of loneliness rooted in existential isolation oh and my university faculty breeds mental illness in spades. I am in the middle of an examination period and I should be putting in my usual 10-12 hours a day but it just ain’t happening right now.

I feel better already maybe I can get the courage to stand up to my family and say NO I will not be controlled. Say fuck all you island homophobes and your warped view of the world. Courage what a word I wish there wasn’t the whole couRAGE part. Taking control of my happiness is a priority because I am tired of taking happiness only when it is given by someone else. I am the only person that can sustain my happiness so I should be the one generating it in the first place. I may just be able to do it anonymously for now but I hope I can be interesting enough to that people would actually enjoy reading about me and my lonely island boy life.